Pat Gaudette

Pat Gaudette is the founder of several relationship-oriented web sites and the coauthor of "How to Survive Your Husband's Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from The Midlife Wives Club." She is the author of "Midnight Confessions: True Stories of Adultery," "Advice for an Imperfect Married World," and "Advice for an Imperfect Single World."

This is the feed from her pages at About.com, more articles about divorce than you'll ever be able to read!

About.com Divorce Support
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Flat Fee Divorce: Is This an Option You Should Consider?

I don't encourage anyone to divorce. From my experience divorce doesn't solve problems, it only adds to the problems you already have.

In some cases a marriage is so far beyond repair, a few extra problems post divorce is no reason to stay. What do you do in today's economy where money is short and problems can seem overwhelming?

Find yourself a Flat Fee Attorney. Instead of hiring an attorney who charges a retainer fee and high hourly rates, hire one who will take care of the divorce process, from beginning to end for one flat fee.

When to Use a Flat Fee Attorney:

If you are bent and determined to divorce but can't handle those high legal fees check out a local flat fee attorney and get on with solving all those problems you'll face post-divorce.

Flat Fee Divorce: Is This an Option You Should Consider? originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Wednesday, March 10th, 2010 at 17:35:59.

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The person with Avoidant Personality Disorder is extremely sensitive to what others think about them. So sensitive that they suffer severe anxiety at the thought of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Most are people pleasers who bend over backwards to make others happy. The give and give and give until they have nothing left to give. In my experience, it is someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder who is more likely to experience a Midlife Crisis.

Below are the symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder and an example of each behavior.

An example, Jane is a fantastic cook. She takes cooking classes and delivers meals to people in need. The problem, if it doesn't have something to do with cooking Jane doesn't become involved. She only puts herself in a position to be around others who praise her and she knows, with her cooking she will always receive praise. Jane spends a lot of time alone...in her kitchen.

Is Avoidant Personality Disorder a Defense Mechanism That Land You in Divorce Court? originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Sunday, March 7th, 2010 at 08:00:40.

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Do you keep things from your spouse, not communicate for fear of being rejected or dismissed? You can't bond appropriately with your spouse if you are not willing to open up and allow them to know you, to get close to you and who you are. Trust comes from allowing your spouse to know you inside and out and your spouse reciprocating.

Communication is an important way to relieve stress and build a healthier bond between couples. If you don't feel comfortable communicating with your spouse this could be a sign that you feel a lack of trust in your spouse. A marriage can't survive where there are issues of trust.

Few marriages avoid marital problems that violate trust. If you are married, you will have marital problems. The key to working through and maintaining a healthy level of trust is...post continued

Buidling Trust Through Marital Communication originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Friday, March 5th, 2010 at 16:12:20.

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The concept of "boundaries," what they are and how to implement them can be confusing. I remember having a Home Economics teacher in High School who told the class that when you marry, you and your spouse become one.

Even at 17 years old I knew there was no way I could "become one" with another human being. That I had a sense of self and giving up that would be detrimental emotionally. Often in marriage the lines are skewed, one spouse's sense of self becomes entangled with that of their spouse.

It is easy to lose sight of what is oneself and what isn't oneself. In other words, couples tend to take on responsibilities for the other that are not theirs to take on. They become enmeshed emotionally and there are no boundaries that protect each from the other's hurtful behavior.

Below Are A Few Suggestions For Setting Boundaries With Your Midlife Crisis Spouse:

For example, if your midlife crisis spouse is drinking heavily and allowing it to interfere his/her ability to work it is not your responsibility to cover for him/her. When a spouse goes through a midlife crisis it is easy to enable their bad behavior by...continue post

Setting Boundaries With The Midlife Crisis Spouse originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Monday, March 1st, 2010 at 22:22:33.

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Some people manage to navigate a midlife crisis, learn from it and move on to a more rewarding life. Then there are those who turn into a person you don't know, take up with another man/woman and inflict enormous pain on their family.

Whether your spouse works through their midlife crisis without doing much harm or turns into a bull in a china shop and destroys everything, they will go through changes. Changes that will leave you confused and wondering what you can do to help yourself and your spouse and hopefully save your marriage.

This article is about helping yourself survive your spouse's midlife crisis. If it helps your spouse, great. If it saves your marriage, great. The only way you are going to be of any help to your spouse or possibly save your marriage is to learn how you can navigate their crisis without it costing you too much emotionally.

Focus On Yourself And Your Children:

It may seem impossible to not try to control your spouse's actions during a midlife crisis. You aren't doing your spouse or yourself any favor when you become obsessed with what they are doing or thinking. You have no control over what your spouse does or doesn't do. You do, however have complete control over what you do or don't do.

So, take my advice and focus on things that are within your control. If you are over-thinking your spouse's problems, you are filling your head with...post continued

How to Survive Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Sunday, February 28th, 2010 at 22:13:55.

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Benny Hinn a well-known televangelist has been served with divorce papers by his wife of 30 years, Suzanne. Papers were filed February 1, in Orange County Superior Court. The Hinns have been married for thirty years and have three daughters and one son.

According to his website, Pastor Hinn is an advocate of the "Prosperity Gospel" in which supporters believe that faith works as a power of force. That through faith they can obtain anything they want...health, wealth and personal success. According to Pastor Hinn if a person expresses their faith by "sowing" a sufficient monetary seed into his ministry, the person will be granted divine healing and wealth.

Pastor Hinn has prospered, so much so that Senator Charles Grassly of Iowa, the ranking Republican on the Senate Finance Committee is investigating Hinn and five other televangelists for possible financial misconduct.

Could it be that Suzanne Hinn has decided to abandon ship before it sinks? Divorce now and get her share of Pastor Hinn's assets before the IRS is able to step in and stake a claim of their own.

Benny Hinn to Divorce originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010 at 19:21:19.

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Have you spent years investing time, effort and energy in your marriage? Is the only return you've gotten on your investment ambivalance? Does it seem that no matter what you do, the bad outweighs the good in your marriage?

It may sound cynical but you may need to make a list of pros and cons and decide whether your marriage is worth anymore investment from you. If there are a few good things about your marriage but they are overshadowed by negatives it is time to decide whether or not to let go and move on with your life.

I received an email from a woman whose marriage was a mess. She conveyed to me that her husband yelled and screamed constantly. That she kept secrets from him out of fear of his reaction. She walked on eggshells and measured every word out of fear of his verbal abuse.

Add to that the drinking, cheating, controlling all the money and the fact that he was now verbally abusing their 15-year-old son and I had to wonder why this woman was choosing to stay instead of leave and protect herself and her son.

I'm fully aware that some women stay in a bad marriage for the financial security. It is not easy to leave if you don't know where you will go or how you will live. I also know that some men stay in bad marriages for the sake of their relationship with their children.

In other words, people stay stuck in a bad marriage due to fear of what will happen if they leave. None of us marry with the goal of living the rest of our lives in an unhappy marriage. Yet, many of us allow fear to keep us from taking the steps we need to to find happiness, either within our marriage or on our own.

So, I challenge you to sit down and make a list of pros and cons. Once that list is done if the cons outweigh the pros do something other than live with the idea that you are stuck. That may mean getting you and your spouse into intensive marital counseling. If that doesn't work it may mean filing for a divorce and rebuilding and living a more fulfilling life.

Does the Bad Outweigh the Good in Your Marriage? originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Monday, February 22nd, 2010 at 02:09:47.

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From: Belinda Rachman

The choice of which divorce lawyer to hire is overwhelming. The sheer number of divorce lawyers in the phone book makes your head spin. You have heard the horror stories from your friends about how horrid and expensive their divorce was and you want to avoid that pain but which way should you turn?

This is a very natural response to what you have heard and seen. You have enough sense to know divorce lawyers are not your friends so you need to choose carefully. Your future and that of your children depend on how you proceed.

Having been a divorce lawyer since 1996 I will tell you the dirty inside secrets and warn you what to look out for. In California and maybe in your own state, divorce lawyers are the ONLY kind of lawyers whose fees are protected, by law, by the equity in their client's home. It is important to know how divorce lawyers in your state are paid and find that out before you begin.

Do they have the right to run up huge bills and then slap a lien on your home and force a sale at the end of the case? Over the years I have seen many, many lawyers do everything in their power to keep the case going so they could run up a bill because they knew they were going to get paid. People who advertise themselves as being "aggressive" are playing to your worst instincts. Doesn't everyone want the MOST they can get in their divorce settlement? If so, keep away from aggressive lawyers because

...post continued

Which is Right for You, Mediation or a Divorce Lawyer? originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 23:00:59.

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Have you hired a divorce lawyer who is only making the conflict between you and your spouse worse? Are you are wondering how you can reduce the conflict and feel more in control of the situation?

Some divorce lawyers learn that the best way to protect their client is to fight for them and not in a way that promotes an end to conflict. Most divorce warfare is created by the divorce lawyer's adversarial nature and we, as clients, play a role in it because it is what we expect.

There are times we let anger win out over reason and this often happens in divorce situations. When dealing with your attorney table any anger you have over the divorce. Be reasonable instead of resentful and your attorney will follow your lead.

Explain to your divorce lawyer that you wish to take a collaborative approach to the divorce process. Tell him/her that you want to try to come to a decision on the major issues with your spouse. Your divorce lawyer works for you and should be willing to follow your wishes. If you get resistance you should consider...post continued

Is Your Divorce Attorney Helping or Hindering the Process? originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Tuesday, February 16th, 2010 at 23:00:42.

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Finances often top the list of divorce worries, with divorce attorney fees being a major concern. Divorce attorneys usually charge an hourly rate figured in 15 minute increments, even if the service takes only a minute or two of his/her time. If you call every day, your monthly charge just for phone calls can total over $1,000.

If the process drags on for a year, you'll pay $12,000 and up just for those brief daily calls. Below are some tips that will help keep down expenses when it comes to legal fees charged by your divorce attorney.

1. Get a written fee agreement.

Most divorce attorneys charge by the hour and require a deposit at the beginning of their service. Fees are then charged against the retainer until it is depleted. When this happens the client becomes responsible for any extra charges incurred. It is imperative that you obtain a written fee agreement that outlines the exact financial terms of the representation. Without one you may find yourself forking out money for hidden expenses or your attorney's daily...post continued

How To To Keep Divorce Attorney Fees to a Minimum originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Monday, February 15th, 2010 at 23:00:17.

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