At the beginning of your divorce, it may seem impossible to envision a future friendship with your spouse. There are so many issues on the table, battles that will inevitably be fought over things that are important to both of you, and it might not seem like you can end the marriage with a salvageable relationship, let alone a friendship.

Yet, depending on how you go about the divorce proceedings, you can advocate for yourself while at the same time keep the door open for friendship. Keep the following considerations in mind and you will be able to work towards a friendship when it is comfortable for both of you.

Maintain a sense of dignity and respect during your negotiations. If you find yourself dealing directly with your spouse, work to keep the emotions out of your discussions. It is very easy to get caught up in unresolved marital issues or events in the past that have led you to this point. If you find yourself losing your cool or becoming emotional, stop, take a deep breath and say just that- you need to end the conversation. There are some issues that will be too difficult for you to solve face to face, and a good lawyer or mediator can help greatly in these circumstances.

Be willing to compromise- to a point. Whatever your stand is on who gets what or how your assets will be divided, it is important to understand that for each of you, some things are more important than others. For example, maybe it is important to you that any heirloom items passed down from your family remain with you, and maybe it is important for your spouse to keep his or her retirement benefits for himself. Your lawyer will help you evaluate the financial implications of your decisions and choices. Understanding what is most important to your spouse and being willing to compromise or concede to those things may make your spouse more than willing to do the same for you.

Understand that your lives will now be separate, and any new interests your spouse has in people or things are off limits to you, unless invited in. What this means is that you and your spouse will be moving on, spending time with new people and eventually dating. A sure way to kill the possibility of a friendship is for you to be evaluative or judgmental of the new people in your spouse’s life. Becoming overly friendly or involved with these new people can have
the same effect. Know your place, and let your ex spouse know if your own boundaries are being overstepped.

Most importantly, try to keep yourself from speaking negatively about your ex to your common friends. This can be difficult, as there seems to be a natural curiosity from your friends as to why you are divorcing, and they may ask prying questions and look for blame. Thinking this through and coming up with a general answer, such as “we just grew apart” or “the divorce was a positive step for both of us” can sometimes help to keep the questions at bay. Present yourself as confident and happy, and remember you do not have to answer a question just because it is
asked, especially if it is personal. Your reasons for your divorce are your own business, and it is your choice as to how much you wish to share.

Keeping your spouse as a friend may seem impossible, but by following the suggestions above you will have created the possibility of friendship in the years to come.