The ink is not yet dry on your divorce papers, and yet you feel..different. You know that your life has changed, irrevocably, and that in some ways you will no longer be the person that you once were. Whether your divorce was your choice or the choice of your partner, you are now different than you were before, and you will need to find a way to embrace the changes that come your way.

You are probably asking yourself, how do I find myself after my divorce? It seems that there are two directions you can take after you divorce. One is to build anger and resentment towards your partner and view this outcome as a life that he or she ‘took’ from you, and spend your days seeking ways of finding sweet revenge. Some examples of this would be contesting every single point of your divorce, arguing over who gets every last spoon or screwdriver in the home you once shared.

Another example is bad mouthing your spouse to everyone who will listen to you, and even looking for ways to inadvertently cause him or her harm. This is one path you could take, and you would not be alone in your walk towards what you see as justification. Yet, what will it bring you? Do you think you will find peace for yourself if your ex feels pain, or inconvenience? What can be gained for you by making this person the focus of your energies? How does fueling bitterness, anger and rage benefit you?

The other choice is to take the steps necessary to heal yourself and accept whatever circumstance you find yourself in. Asking for help during this difficult time may be hard, but also very necessary.
If you can afford it, find a therapist who can help you deal with your feelings of anger and resentment and focus you in a more positive direction. If therapy poses a financial burden for you, look through the self-help section of your local bookstore for a step by step plan on healing and moving forward after divorce. Pay attention to the things that you say to yourself, and deliberately remind yourself of the positive attributes you have. If your spouse left you for someone else, acknowledge the feelings of rejection and jealousy that you have, but don’t hold on to them.

Instead, replace these feelings and thoughts with statements that are positive, such as “I am a loving, caring person” or “ I am capable of handling the changes in my life”. You will be
surprised at how much these statements can change your outlook. Most of all, put yourself first. This is your time to explore something new, to move above and beyond your divorce. Be open to meeting new people, finding new interests and looking towards the future. If you believe the best is yet to come, it will be.